1 00:00:02,327 --> 00:00:04,966 ♪ They say l might as well face the truth 2 00:00:05,807 --> 00:00:08,605 ♪ That l am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:09,287 --> 00:00:12,723 ♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:12,767 --> 00:00:16,157 ♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:16,207 --> 00:00:20,246 ♪ l may be over the hill now that l have retired 6 00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,563 ♪ Fading away but l'm not yet expired 7 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:27,725 ♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:27,767 --> 00:00:30,201 ♪ One foot in the grave ♪ 9 00:00:32,047 --> 00:00:34,356 (Crowd cheers on TV) 10 00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:38,236 Pass it up, for Christ's sake. 11 00:00:38,287 --> 00:00:42,803 Look at him. He's taking it for a bloody sightseeing tour of Milan. Get rid of it! 12 00:00:42,847 --> 00:00:44,280 (Doorbell rings) 13 00:00:44,327 --> 00:00:47,956 - Who's that, for goodness' sake? - Oh, give me a break. 14 00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:52,876 Why don't you just gift-wrap the bloody ball and tie a ribbon on it for him? 15 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:58,445 No, no. Come in. Jack, it's Mr Meldrew from over the road. They had a robbery. 16 00:00:58,487 --> 00:01:02,036 lt's just there, love. Help yourself. lsn't that terrible? 17 00:01:02,087 --> 00:01:05,636 - Oh, dear. When was this, this morning? - Just now. 18 00:01:05,687 --> 00:01:10,556 We'd been shopping. We were only gone an hour. We came back and the whole... 19 00:01:10,607 --> 00:01:13,804 Hello. Could l have the police, please? 20 00:01:13,847 --> 00:01:17,522 You see? l told you they were burglars. 21 00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:19,956 That's 50p you owe me. 22 00:01:20,007 --> 00:01:24,637 You've got to be joking. l don't know why this ref isn't wearing an ltalian shirt. 23 00:01:24,687 --> 00:01:27,326 - What do you mean? - Sorry? 24 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:31,201 What do you mean, that's 50p she owes you? 25 00:01:31,247 --> 00:01:33,397 You told her they were burglars? 26 00:01:33,447 --> 00:01:37,486 Erm... Well, there were these four men earlier on. 27 00:01:37,527 --> 00:01:41,076 - Dressed a bit like the SAS. - Doing what? 28 00:01:41,127 --> 00:01:45,484 Erm...they were coming out of your front door carrying a three-piece suite. 29 00:01:45,527 --> 00:01:48,883 One winked and gave me a thumbs-up sign. 30 00:01:48,927 --> 00:01:51,680 l assumed they were removal men. 31 00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:54,002 Winked and gave you a thumbs-up sign? 32 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:58,404 Removal men, be buggered. l said to her, ''l bet they're stealing his furniture.'' 33 00:01:58,447 --> 00:02:02,998 ''You've been watching too many episodes of Crimewatch'' was all l got. 34 00:02:03,047 --> 00:02:05,686 Oh! Oh... This could be dangerous. 35 00:02:05,727 --> 00:02:08,321 Whoa! Well saved! Yes! 36 00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:13,999 You watched them take it out and all you did was say, ''l bet they're burglars''? 37 00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:17,244 They were ransacking my bloody house. 38 00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:22,805 They were nice as ninepence to us. Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet. 39 00:02:22,847 --> 00:02:26,476 You can't go by appearances. That's how they get away with... 40 00:02:26,527 --> 00:02:30,645 What? What do you mean, ''Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet''? 41 00:02:30,687 --> 00:02:34,760 - They weren't in here, were they? - They said it was thirsty work. 42 00:02:34,807 --> 00:02:39,085 The one with the tattoo on his nose said he could murder a mug of Quick Brew. 43 00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:42,517 Very thirsty work? l should think it bloody was. 44 00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:46,560 There they were stripping my house to bits in broad daylight 45 00:02:46,607 --> 00:02:50,077 as merry as you please, and you invite them in for tea? 46 00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:53,961 What is this, Buster Edwards's private catering company? 47 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:58,398 And two boxes of Mr Kipling's almond slices they wolfed back. 48 00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:01,439 Talk about gannets. Wonder they didn't eat the plates. 49 00:03:01,487 --> 00:03:05,639 l'm beginning to regret giving them that jumpstart for their van now. 50 00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:09,919 Whoa! Just shaved the woodwork. Bad luck, my son. 51 00:03:09,967 --> 00:03:13,004 Jumpstart their... You're not serious? 52 00:03:13,047 --> 00:03:17,837 The van wouldn't start. We were only trying to be good Samaritans. 53 00:03:17,887 --> 00:03:22,961 Good Samaritans? Oh, hello? Yes. l'd like to report a burglary, please. 54 00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:26,999 And two extremely brutal murders. 55 00:03:28,607 --> 00:03:32,725 (Margaret) l want to disinfect the place from top to bottom. 56 00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:37,238 Just have to leave it to those two detectives. Hope they can catch them. 57 00:03:37,287 --> 00:03:41,883 Detectives? l thought it was two schoolboys asking for their ball back. 58 00:03:41,927 --> 00:03:45,840 One of them walked like a duck. l suppose you noticed that. 59 00:03:45,887 --> 00:03:49,277 They were a bit young, but they were very methodical. 60 00:03:49,327 --> 00:03:52,797 Walking like a duck doesn't mean he can't do his job. 61 00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:55,645 Like being interviewed by Titch and Quackers. 62 00:03:55,687 --> 00:03:58,485 Look at this. You can't tell me this is methodical. 63 00:03:58,527 --> 00:04:01,963 Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints? 64 00:04:02,007 --> 00:04:04,316 l thought it had mildew. Look at it. 65 00:04:05,727 --> 00:04:10,323 ln the bathroom, l saw them spraying their stuff on the lavatory seat. 66 00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:15,395 What's the idea? Scotland Yard has everyone's buttocks on file, have they? 67 00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:20,316 Now you know what it's like with you and your talcum powder. 68 00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:23,245 - What do you mean? - Lift the lid on that seat, 69 00:04:23,287 --> 00:04:27,405 you'd think someone had spilt a sherbet dab. 70 00:04:27,447 --> 00:04:31,360 Anyway, can we just drop the whole thing now, please? 71 00:04:31,407 --> 00:04:34,558 l've just about had enough for one day. 72 00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:37,717 Oh...God! 73 00:04:37,767 --> 00:04:42,045 lt's a wonder they managed to get through these doors to steal anything. 74 00:04:42,087 --> 00:04:48,560 Three weeks this carpet's been down. Will we ever get them shaved or not? 75 00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:50,484 Sorry? 76 00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:56,159 They're driving me up the bloody wall, on top of everything else. 77 00:04:56,207 --> 00:04:59,358 We agreed we'd wait for Chippie Joe to come back from holiday. 78 00:04:59,407 --> 00:05:02,399 There's no point getting charged an arm and a leg. 79 00:05:02,447 --> 00:05:07,475 They've left behind that bottle of dodgy Greek brandy. You want some? 80 00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:09,995 l suppose, yes. 81 00:05:10,047 --> 00:05:14,279 We've still got all the joys of reporting it to the insurance company. 82 00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:17,842 That'll be about as much fun as a kidney infection. 83 00:05:19,247 --> 00:05:21,238 Thanks. 84 00:05:23,687 --> 00:05:26,520 (Both sigh) 85 00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:31,397 Yes, l'm enjoying this glass of glue. 86 00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:35,684 Oh... 87 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,797 What a day. 88 00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:43,845 Oh. By the way, l've managed to get us out of Meg's wedding on Saturday. 89 00:05:43,887 --> 00:05:48,756 So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot to be excused attendance. 90 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:51,480 You know what l'm like with weddings. 91 00:05:51,527 --> 00:05:56,999 lt was bad enough at your nephew's last year when that organ exploded. 92 00:05:57,047 --> 00:05:58,526 Don't remind me. 93 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:03,516 The father of the bride coming down with an unfortunate fungal infection. 94 00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:08,118 Your mother turned round and thought it was the phantom of the opera. 95 00:06:09,407 --> 00:06:12,683 Thought we'd never get her to stop screaming. 96 00:06:12,727 --> 00:06:17,084 God, that bloody video camera man they hired. 97 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:22,520 Got us to pose under a tree and a bird's nest fell on my head. 98 00:06:23,527 --> 00:06:26,200 Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth. 99 00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,284 And egg yolk dribbling down my nose. 100 00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:33,283 l told her a white lie. 101 00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,559 l said you'd been rushed to hospital for an emergency prostate operation. 102 00:06:39,047 --> 00:06:41,038 l had? 103 00:06:41,087 --> 00:06:43,999 You can still get her a present. 104 00:06:44,047 --> 00:06:49,485 She said she could do with a decent pair of salad tongs. l'll see what l can find. 105 00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:53,522 Mmm... (Sighs) 106 00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:59,243 l couldn't believe that pair across the road today. 107 00:06:59,287 --> 00:07:04,520 Every time you go into their house, all they're doing is watching television. 108 00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:06,364 l know. 109 00:07:06,407 --> 00:07:11,197 lt's amazing to think that's all some people's lives revolve around. 110 00:07:11,247 --> 00:07:14,478 A box in the corner of the room. 111 00:07:14,527 --> 00:07:17,997 You take it away and you wonder what they find to do. 112 00:07:18,047 --> 00:07:20,117 l know. 113 00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:32,687 Ruth Rendell'll be on now. 114 00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,837 Good God. Really? 115 00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:41,921 You see, that's exactly what l mean. Takes over your whole bloody life. 116 00:07:41,967 --> 00:07:46,279 You sit there gazing at all that tripe night after night. 117 00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:49,683 From now on, we can do without it. 118 00:07:49,727 --> 00:07:53,800 What? You mean not get another one? 119 00:07:53,847 --> 00:07:55,997 Should have done it years ago. 120 00:07:56,047 --> 00:08:00,404 lt'll give us a chance to get out and do something worthwhile of an evening. 121 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,598 Get out? 122 00:08:04,687 --> 00:08:06,325 Where? 123 00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,517 (Dance music, loud chatter) 124 00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:12,121 (Cash register beeps and clatters) 125 00:08:19,647 --> 00:08:22,161 l don't believe it. 126 00:08:22,207 --> 00:08:25,404 - Sorry? - l thought it was when l was over there. 127 00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:30,564 You don't remember me, do you? Billy Whitney. 128 00:08:30,607 --> 00:08:33,326 lB, Stopsley Road Secondary. 129 00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:40,922 Billy Whitney... My God! Billy Whitney! 130 00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:45,643 This must be the coincidence of all time. lt must be...50 years. 131 00:08:45,687 --> 00:08:50,044 God, how are you? l'd never have... No, actually, you haven't changed. 132 00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:52,476 You haven't changed a bit. 133 00:08:52,527 --> 00:08:58,796 My God. Stopsley Road, eh? There were some characters there in those days, eh? 134 00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:00,644 Oh, God, yes. 135 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:05,480 Who was that bloke that kept putting his face in the tomato soup? 136 00:09:05,527 --> 00:09:09,918 Bit of a mummy's boy. Always wore a balaclava in the showers. 137 00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:13,645 Er... Er... 138 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,201 - Poxy Gateskill. - Gaskill. 139 00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:19,080 Gaskill, that's right. Poxy Gaskill. 140 00:09:20,287 --> 00:09:23,882 And that mad character with trousers like a circus clown. 141 00:09:23,927 --> 00:09:29,399 Everyone used to stick handkerchiefs in their mouths to stop laughing. 142 00:09:29,447 --> 00:09:31,358 What was his name? 143 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,642 Deary me... Er... 144 00:09:35,527 --> 00:09:37,882 Meldrew. Victor Meldrew. 145 00:09:40,687 --> 00:09:43,724 Oh, God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh? 146 00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:51,199 There was a big drawing of him on the wall in the girls' toilets. 147 00:09:52,687 --> 00:09:55,599 l can see it to this day. 148 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:04,604 Oh, yes. You'd remember him, Steve, because a lot of people thought... 149 00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:09,118 A lot of people thought the two of you looked a bit similar at one time of day. 150 00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:14,321 Victor Meldrew, eh? Yeah, he was a right bastard now l come to think of it. 151 00:10:16,247 --> 00:10:19,319 Yes, well, actually, Billy, l think... 152 00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:21,676 Christ, yes, l remember now. 153 00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:25,766 l gave him my hamster one year to look after while l was on holiday. 154 00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:29,322 l came home and found that his cat had eaten it. 155 00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:33,838 l mean, that was bad enough, except he tried to palm it off as a suicide. 156 00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:38,364 He gave me some tale about it throwing itself off the sideboard 157 00:10:38,407 --> 00:10:41,285 into the path of a speeding marble. 158 00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:45,525 Said his mother must have been crossbred with a lemming or something. 159 00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:48,843 Yeah, l'd forgotten every word about it until now. 160 00:10:48,887 --> 00:10:51,447 Yes, well, l'm sure it was an accident. 161 00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:57,839 Hello, stranger. We can't get away from each other. 162 00:10:57,887 --> 00:11:00,845 Meg! l...didn't know this was your local. 163 00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:04,926 No, it's one of Billy's. l'm not sure if he's here yet. 164 00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:07,276 Oh, yes. There he is. 165 00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:11,678 - You've been up to hospital, have you? - Sorry? 166 00:11:11,727 --> 00:11:14,321 Vodka and tonic, please. How is he? 167 00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:17,279 Nasty things, prostates. 168 00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:19,682 (Meg) My first husband had one. 169 00:11:19,727 --> 00:11:23,163 Said it was like trying to empty a hot water bottle 170 00:11:23,207 --> 00:11:25,801 with someone standing on the nozzle. 171 00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:31,079 Anyway, now you're here, you can come and say hello to my intended. 172 00:11:31,127 --> 00:11:34,915 - Or are you meeting someone else? - No, no. 173 00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:37,879 l just fancied a quick one. You know. 174 00:11:40,647 --> 00:11:43,161 - Hello, love. - Oh, hello. 175 00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:45,801 Sorry l'm late. Buses again. 176 00:11:47,647 --> 00:11:50,525 This is Margaret from the florist. 177 00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:55,721 You remember. l said her husband was rushed to hospital with leaky plumbing. 178 00:11:57,607 --> 00:12:01,361 Nice to meet you, Margaret. How's he doing? All right? 179 00:12:01,407 --> 00:12:04,558 ln absolute agony, l should think, isn't he? 180 00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:07,201 l would imagine so, yes. 181 00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:13,000 Oh, l'm sorry. This is an old mate of mine, Steve Posnett. 182 00:12:13,047 --> 00:12:14,526 This is... 183 00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:19,483 This is Meg, my bride-to-be on Saturday, and... 184 00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:23,679 - Hello, Steve. - This is Margaret from the same shop. 185 00:12:23,727 --> 00:12:26,719 Pleased to meet you, Steve. 186 00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:29,964 How do you do? Nice to meet you. 187 00:12:31,807 --> 00:12:34,605 So you live near here, then, Margaret? 188 00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:37,207 Er... Riverbank. 189 00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:40,239 Oh, l know it. Very handy for the rubbish tip. 190 00:12:40,287 --> 00:12:42,562 And what about you, Steve? 191 00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:44,802 - Mmm? - Where do you live? 192 00:12:47,487 --> 00:12:50,957 Er... Dunne Hill. 193 00:12:52,087 --> 00:12:55,523 Up by the park. That's quite near us. 194 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:57,319 ls it? 195 00:12:57,367 --> 00:13:01,599 l know this is going to sound silly and l should have said it before, but... 196 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,764 Oh, Meg! Let me show you. 197 00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:08,076 What do you think of these? 198 00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:12,120 l...bought them in that little shop. You know, just inside the mall? 199 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,397 Oh, Margaret... 200 00:13:14,447 --> 00:13:18,122 They're lovely. Very elegant. 201 00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:23,002 - Not too expensive, l hope. - l'll wrap them up. Do it properly. 202 00:13:23,047 --> 00:13:26,357 lsn't that sweet? l told her we could do with a pair. 203 00:13:26,407 --> 00:13:29,479 Crackerjack, love. Sorry, Steve. You were saying... 204 00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:33,486 Well, l know this is going to sound foolish, but... Aaaahhh! 205 00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:41,637 lt's just... 206 00:13:44,207 --> 00:13:45,242 Yes? 207 00:13:46,487 --> 00:13:49,604 Would...anyone like another drink at all? 208 00:13:50,207 --> 00:13:53,244 (Margaret) Thanks a lot. That's lovely. 209 00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:56,279 (Meg) See you tomorrow. 8:30 sharp. 210 00:13:56,327 --> 00:13:59,399 - Night. Lovely to meet you. - You too, Billy. 211 00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:04,123 - Good night, Mr Posnett. - Good night, er... 212 00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:07,796 Actually, l've just thought. 213 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,078 Erm... l can get out here and walk the rest of the way. 214 00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:13,925 Are you mad? lt's miles. 215 00:14:13,967 --> 00:14:17,039 lt'll bucket down any minute. We go right past your road. 216 00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:21,085 Yes. 217 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,120 Yurch... 218 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,759 Thanks. 219 00:14:25,807 --> 00:14:28,879 - Good night, then. - Bye. 220 00:14:33,047 --> 00:14:36,039 (Thunder rumbles) 221 00:14:36,087 --> 00:14:39,397 l feel so sorry for that woman. 222 00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:43,406 - Why's that, then? - Her husband's a mental case. 223 00:14:44,727 --> 00:14:47,082 l haven't met him, but by all accounts, 224 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,358 it's a blessing they're not coming to the wedding. 225 00:14:53,847 --> 00:14:55,997 Which one is it, Steve? 226 00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:58,038 Erm... 227 00:14:58,087 --> 00:15:01,966 - Just the next corner here. - Righty-ho. 228 00:15:02,007 --> 00:15:05,556 Right, well... Thanks very much, then. 229 00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:07,882 - Good night, Meg. - Good night, Steve. 230 00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,958 Good night. 231 00:15:42,487 --> 00:15:45,718 (Groans) Oh, my... 232 00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,997 God... 233 00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,485 Aahh! 234 00:15:57,527 --> 00:16:00,325 What are you up to? l thought you'd gone in. 235 00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:05,043 You don't think l could use your loo, do you? l should have gone in the pub. 236 00:16:05,087 --> 00:16:08,682 l don't think l'm going to last otherwise, see. 237 00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:15,996 Yes, well, l'd really rather not waken anyone up at this time of night. 238 00:16:16,047 --> 00:16:20,882 You go on in. You're getting soaked to the skin, man. l'll be fine. 239 00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:23,077 Yes. Right. 240 00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,642 (Toilet flushes) 241 00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:05,718 l've been looking for this bloody thing everywhere. 242 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,806 (Footsteps) 243 00:17:10,847 --> 00:17:12,246 (Victor sneezes) 244 00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:22,844 l don't know why you had to get up. You'd feel better if you stayed in bed. 245 00:17:22,887 --> 00:17:26,197 (Croaks) l feel worse when l stay in bed. 246 00:17:29,687 --> 00:17:31,325 (Coughs) 247 00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:34,484 You're not going to have an argument with Chippie Joe now. 248 00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:37,837 Four hours l waited in for him yesterday. 249 00:17:37,887 --> 00:17:40,879 Why can't people come when they say they will? 250 00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,723 (Music blares) 251 00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:49,840 Listen. l'm picking up Radio Five again. 252 00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:56,801 l go to buy a new telephone and l come back with Jodrell Bank. 253 00:17:56,847 --> 00:18:00,999 l won't kiss you because of the germs. l'll see you later. Bye. 254 00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,958 Bye. 255 00:18:03,007 --> 00:18:04,759 (Knock on door) 256 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:08,800 Morning, Mr Meldrew. You well? 257 00:18:08,847 --> 00:18:13,682 - (Hoarse) Where the hell have you been? - We did say Wednesday, didn't we? 258 00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:23,604 How much do you want off these exactly? 259 00:18:23,647 --> 00:18:28,482 (Croaks) Just enough so they open but not enough for a draught. 260 00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:31,917 l said how much do you want off these, Mr Meldrew? 261 00:18:33,207 --> 00:18:35,198 Just shave them. 262 00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,477 A quick shave. Anything off the top? 263 00:18:37,527 --> 00:18:40,803 Yes. l'll have a shampoo and set. 264 00:18:40,847 --> 00:18:45,841 And some blond highlights at the handles. Just get on with it. 265 00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,640 - (Coughs) - (Joe sings) 266 00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:55,885 l suppose you know you've got a chicken's head in your geraniums. 267 00:18:58,247 --> 00:19:02,320 And your postman's leg's got a piece of drainpipe in it. 268 00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:06,758 Look, who's doing this bloody jigsaw, you or me? 269 00:19:06,807 --> 00:19:09,560 Only trying to be of assistance. 270 00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:26,118 (Coughs) 271 00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:32,926 (Sneezes) 272 00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:41,042 Looks like you've got a bit of a cold coming on there, Mr Meldrew. 273 00:19:42,127 --> 00:19:43,879 (Phone rings) 274 00:19:48,927 --> 00:19:50,804 (Music) 275 00:19:52,687 --> 00:19:55,804 Will you get off this bloody line? 276 00:19:56,727 --> 00:19:59,446 l've just about had enough of this. 277 00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:08,400 - Hello. Operator. Can l help you? - Hello? 278 00:20:08,447 --> 00:20:12,156 (Hoarse) You call this a bloody telephone service? 279 00:20:13,047 --> 00:20:15,038 (Engaged tone) 280 00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:21,080 l'll try them again later. 281 00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,798 (Coughs) 282 00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:03,005 For God's sake. He's supposed to have done this door. 283 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,683 (Crockery smashes) 284 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:19,886 Oh. l was gonna say be careful with this door, Mr Meldrew. 285 00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:23,996 l haven't screwed it back in yet. 286 00:22:03,927 --> 00:22:06,316 You won't see it from there. 287 00:22:08,007 --> 00:22:11,886 - What? - Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television. 288 00:22:13,927 --> 00:22:16,964 l was just wondering what episode it was. 289 00:22:17,007 --> 00:22:20,238 Still, l've seen them all a dozen times anyway. 290 00:23:22,727 --> 00:23:25,719 Oh, for God's sake! 291 00:23:26,567 --> 00:23:31,766 Will you sit down and stop fidgeting about like you've got St Vitus' Dance? 292 00:23:32,807 --> 00:23:35,275 - What's the matter with you? - Me? 293 00:23:35,327 --> 00:23:37,841 - l knew this would happen. - What? 294 00:23:37,887 --> 00:23:41,562 Getting all tetchy because you don't have a TV to watch. 295 00:23:43,407 --> 00:23:46,956 Tel... Me... lt's you. You don't know where you are. 296 00:23:47,007 --> 00:23:48,918 Who doesn't? 297 00:23:48,967 --> 00:23:52,516 l'd get more peace with a family of orang-utans. 298 00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:56,116 l don't miss it. You needn't think that. l don't miss it at all. 299 00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:59,637 l'm only too glad of a chance to do other things. 300 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,478 (Doorbell) 301 00:24:09,167 --> 00:24:11,283 - Oh. lt's them back. - Who? 302 00:24:11,327 --> 00:24:14,956 The two detectives. They'll probably tell us about our furniture. 303 00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:20,959 (Murmuring) 304 00:24:21,007 --> 00:24:23,362 (Victor) Ah. Yes. Right. 305 00:24:25,567 --> 00:24:29,242 - l'm just off to the police station. - What for? What's happened? 306 00:24:29,287 --> 00:24:31,847 Er... l've been arrested. 307 00:24:33,047 --> 00:24:35,925 Apparently. l won't be a tick. 308 00:24:40,047 --> 00:24:44,438 Evening, Mrs Meldrew. l'm afraid we've got to take your husband away 309 00:24:44,487 --> 00:24:46,364 to help with our enquiries. 310 00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:50,559 - As they say in the police force. - What's he supposed to have done? 311 00:24:50,607 --> 00:24:54,600 Earlier today, a phone call of an unusually indecent nature 312 00:24:54,647 --> 00:25:00,563 traced back to this number was made to a young lady working at British Telecom. 313 00:25:00,607 --> 00:25:06,204 The usual low husky voice whispering a stream of obscenities. 314 00:25:06,247 --> 00:25:08,317 Obscenities? 315 00:25:08,367 --> 00:25:10,642 The line was not a good one 316 00:25:10,687 --> 00:25:14,726 but she distinctly remembers the caller's use of the graphic phrases, 317 00:25:14,767 --> 00:25:20,046 ''Stark bollock naked'' and ''Dripping all down my legs''. 318 00:25:20,087 --> 00:25:24,956 Why your husband would want to spread dripping all down his legs 319 00:25:25,007 --> 00:25:30,559 is of course something it's probably best to draw a veil over for the time being. 320 00:25:30,607 --> 00:25:33,405 Suffice it to say that by snapping into action at once, 321 00:25:33,447 --> 00:25:35,802 we were able to link this incident 322 00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:40,125 with another one being investigated by our colleagues at Morten Road ClD. 323 00:25:40,167 --> 00:25:42,397 Relating to a midnight prowler 324 00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:44,563 who was frightened off last night 325 00:25:44,607 --> 00:25:48,077 whilst breaking into the house of a young divorced mother of three 326 00:25:48,127 --> 00:25:50,641 in the Dunne Hill area. 327 00:25:51,607 --> 00:25:55,122 The lady gave us quite a nifty description of the offender 328 00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:57,158 seen through her back window 329 00:25:57,207 --> 00:26:01,803 and claims the resulting photofit to be an extremely accurate likeness. 330 00:26:05,887 --> 00:26:10,438 And of course once we were able to match up the prints on her doorknob 331 00:26:10,487 --> 00:26:14,878 with those taken from your husband for elimination purposes the other day, 332 00:26:14,927 --> 00:26:20,524 the various pieces of the whole grisly jigsaw slotted neatly into place. 333 00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:27,035 - ls that a piece of drainpipe in his leg? - l believe it is. 334 00:26:28,487 --> 00:26:31,684 Right. All ready to go. After you, Constable. 335 00:26:31,727 --> 00:26:35,163 Oh, yes. Right. 336 00:26:41,607 --> 00:26:44,838 l think he misses his police programmes. 337 00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:52,565 Right. That's about it, then, Mrs Meldrew. 338 00:26:52,607 --> 00:26:57,203 28-inch Nicam Fastext. We can have it delivered to you first thing Monday. 339 00:26:57,247 --> 00:27:00,239 - Not until then? - ls that all right for you? 340 00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:02,357 All right? 341 00:27:03,647 --> 00:27:08,721 l have just spent the most unutterably miserable week of my entire life 342 00:27:08,767 --> 00:27:11,884 coping with a husband deprived of his television set. 343 00:27:11,927 --> 00:27:16,159 lf l have to prolong that agony for another hour, let alone another weekend, 344 00:27:16,207 --> 00:27:21,600 l may just do something very regrettable with a pair of razor-tipped salad tongs. 345 00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:27,558 Erm... l'll just have a word with dispatch for you. l won't be a second. 346 00:27:34,127 --> 00:27:36,721 (Screaming and laughter on TVs) 347 00:27:41,047 --> 00:27:44,244 On lTV this Saturday at 8, 348 00:27:44,287 --> 00:27:50,317 Jeremy Beadle introduces another crazy catalogue of riotous video clips 349 00:27:50,367 --> 00:27:55,043 sent in by you the viewers in You've Been Framed! 350 00:28:08,927 --> 00:28:12,522 The ''yolk's'' on you the public once again 351 00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:15,877 here at 8 o'clock this Saturday night 352 00:28:15,927 --> 00:28:18,521 on lTV. 353 00:28:18,567 --> 00:28:25,006 You're in luck. We can have your new TV set with you Saturday afternoon at 3. 354 00:28:25,047 --> 00:28:28,357 ( plays on TVs) 355 00:28:28,407 --> 00:28:30,716 No, that's all right. 356 00:28:30,767 --> 00:28:33,486 Monday morning will be fine. 357 00:28:38,007 --> 00:28:41,397 ♪ They say l might as well face the truth 358 00:28:41,447 --> 00:28:44,883 ♪ That l am just too long in the tooth 359 00:28:44,927 --> 00:28:47,964 ♪ l've started to deteriorate 360 00:28:48,007 --> 00:28:51,556 ♪ And now l've passed my own sell-by date 361 00:28:51,607 --> 00:28:55,395 ♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true 362 00:28:55,447 --> 00:28:58,883 ♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew 363 00:28:58,927 --> 00:29:02,078 ♪ And my old knees have started to knock 364 00:29:02,127 --> 00:29:05,358 ♪ l've just got too many miles on the clock 365 00:29:05,407 --> 00:29:09,480 ♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set-in-my-ways 366 00:29:09,527 --> 00:29:13,156 ♪ lt's true that my body has seen better days 367 00:29:13,207 --> 00:29:16,438 ♪ But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave 368 00:29:17,127 --> 00:29:19,322 ♪ One foot in the grave 369 00:29:20,447 --> 00:29:22,836 ♪ One foot in the grave 370 00:29:23,967 --> 00:29:26,879 ♪ One foot in the grave ♪ 371 00:29:26,929 --> 00:29:31,479 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0